Jamie Cotton on...

I posed for my first photography workshop over nine years ago, and then composed the poem which follows. After the workshop, I ran into one of the participants and there ensued a brief but torrid relationship--something I never did again. The model-photographer relationship is a strange and blessed thing, not to be taken too lightly nor to be treated too seriously. Once established, there is a freeness in the bond--a place where everything is safe, precisely because everything is sacred where everything is exposed.

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I'm not nervous
not really
it's not like I've never done this before
I've just never gone this far

it is a nice house
I put my things in the bedroom
In the living room, the fire penetrates
to the back of my knees
It is time

what would my grandfather think,
I giggle,
lifting my dress over my head
naked
I drape my dress over a chair
trying not to tremble,
not to sweat

where?
in the kitchen?
of course, the light is better there
my bare back and bottom against cool wood
olive flesh ridged against maple grain

How's this?

"That's nice, I like that, hold it..."
your voice
I look up to meet eyes
I hadn't noted before
deep and sky blue
I soften
move easier
feel the encouraging compliments
sing with the Bonnie Raitt background

I begin to enjoy

later
you take me home
crack me open like eggs into a bowl
lying needy upon my breasts
words poke at my belly
until it aches with emptiness
"consume me," you beg
and I take you in
reluctant but wanting

soon
we tear into each other
greedily ripping off chunks of insignificant flesh
prying away layers covering the core
impatient with process
we drill holes through to our secret selves
pour one another into champagne glasses
and toast the New Year

but
by morning
you solidified
as if fated by Medusa
and those precious pools
so deep and sky blue
once brimming with promise
are as blank as the 8 by 10 matte photos of me
which hang naked and lifeless on your walls

I must leave you now
what else can I do
I only wish I could get the living bits of you out from under my
fingernails

I muse at the fact that a preliminary figure shoot is often like a first sexual encounter. The stages are similar--the phone call, the first date, the act and the after. I always speak on the phone at length with a perspective client. Then we meet in a neutral place to show each other our portfolios and exchange shoot ideas. Finally, we meet at the studio or location. There is usually a pleasant awkwardness in the moments of preparation. Shooting usually starts slowly and initially feels belabored, but within a few minutes, the artist and I settle into a more comfortable pace. After the session is over, I enjoy relaxing and talking with him/her a little--perhaps over a cup of coffee or a meal. I feel a tenderness when a photographer admits to me, "This is my first time; I'm a little nervous." My poem reminds me that there was a first time for me as well.
I try to put my coworker at ease. This is part of my job. As with any skilled performer, I strive to make the collaboration flow smoothly, effortlessly, freely. One of the joys of figure modeling is the liberation it brings--freedom from repressive ideas of shame, guilt and physical inadequacy. I try to involve the photographer in my liberation. I feel a bit of pride when, after only a few minutes, the photographer has already forgotten I am naked.
There is an indescribable and insurmountable distance that the camera lens lends to the model-photographer dynamic. Often we are in different worlds, each of us concentrating on our separate tasks, cooperating through distant communication. Contrary to what many think, there is no possibility of voyeurism here. There is a focus and an intensity to the task which inhibits personal sexuality--whether consciously or otherwise. The concentration is on form, light, composition. The model is reduced to shape and shadow. There is no forum for thought beyond the technical and the aesthetic. It is a pleasant surprise to the less experienced photographer to realize a sexual attraction towards the artistic subject--especially within the context of the shoot-- is more the exception than the rule.
Modeling is more than a job. It is a way of understanding life. In fact, I have met some of my fondest friends and favorite people through my life's work. This is the most important part of the model-photographer relationship--realizing we are both exploring and expressing life through our art. There is the meeting of ideals--an understanding, an intimate exchange, an encrypted interaction. We are coming together to achieve a common goal which neither of us could achieve alone. There must be an acumen and an acceptance of all things between us, or the magic will not happen.
I am a figure model. I am addicted to beauty and a worshiper of the aesthetic. With the photographer, I am sharing a needle and an altar. With a little luck and preparation, the results are euphoric as well as spiritual.

Jamie Cotton has a degree in theology from Saint Mary's College of Notre Dame and has been nude modeling for six years. She also runs "Bodyscapes," providing models for photographers and tours around the US. She can be reached at jamie@sensuousline.com